today i moved my grannys lawn(got 20$!!!), and went to my first volley ball camp day, i had it at 2:30-4:00, it was sooo funny watchin the incomin freshmen try to play volley ball!!!  Then i came home and talked on aim for the first time at home since the night i took the car out..... and got caught.  Yeah, thinkin of that brings back alot of really happy and really depressing memories, but then agian, most of my really happy memories are really depressing for me rite now anyways... so yeah. also ive spent alot of time being depressed today, remembering all those late nights online.... i miss them, but i know i can't get them back.  Im not even suppose to go online without permission and a purpose rite now, and NO chatting of any sort... so yeah, if i get busted for today im ruined. but i dont think i care if i get busted rite know anyways(that doesnt mean im not covering up my tracks), most of my summer has sucked cuz i spend most of it babysitting or doing chores or laying around the house... sometimes i dont even know if i know my friends anymore... Mike J acts weird sometimes, well he's always been a little weird, but its starting to worry me. i wonder if something is happening or did happen to him that really upset him and he just wont tell me. I know him better than anyone else as far as i know, but i dont feel as though i really actually know him.  when you know someone you know the way they think, there train of thought, why they do things, not just what they do.  I dont know anything as to the way he thinks at all, actually, he confuses me to this day as to why he does some things. W/e though... my bigger concern is my parents, primarly my dad. beleive it or not i worry about him. he would never tell me the truth if it wasnt actually true, but i wonder weather or not her wants all these kids. i know i wouldnt. Six kids is alot, and i have seen how stressful his life has become with each one. it lessens the standard of all of our lives in our family in how rich our lives are, but adds stress and chores to the older members of the family.  *deep breath*, then there is the issue of Andy, my ex gf... such a touchy subject from any point of view. i made a huge mistake by breakin up with her, and even more so in how and why i broke up with her.  Im almost positive she hates me, for good reasons. but my intentions are good now... i just need to find a way to prove it to her.  i had an idea of a way to do so earlier, but it back fired and now she hates me even more. even worse is ive been unable to contact her to tell her my reason for what i did(of which i dont feel like writting rite now..).  im also somewhat scared to talk to her, afriad i might say something to make her hate me even more, or that i might come off the wrong way or somethin...  i dont know if i want her back as a gf, but i know i want her as a friend... I realized that in general if i get fucked over real bad that it is my fault, like with andy, and my dad has pointed out many other occasions, but i cant find a way to break the cycle, well at least not anymore i cant.  I use to talk to my aunt lin... i would usually tell her anything major that i was going to do before i did it, and if she thought it was a bad idea she would tell me, and why, then i wouldnt do anything stupid. it was a system of checks and balances, untill my dad and mom said i couldnt talk to her.my dad said i couldnt talk to her couse he "thought" she was a BAD influence on me when she was really a good influence. and my mom said so partially for the same reason but more because she envies my aunts life(my aunt lin is my moms sis).  thats an entire nother story though.(sorry all of these things are short tid bits of my life, i would finish them, but ROB wants me to finish up quickly) 

other than all of those tormenting depressing thoughts today has been ok, lol